Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.

[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.

when she block me on everything

Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly

Me: oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Me: Over there

Robber: Where’s the key?

Me: In that drawer

Robber: What day is it?

Me: oh no

Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:

Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.

We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.

“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft

“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”

2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.

Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?

“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”

The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow

Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.

I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”

Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

*at Starbucks*

7yo: can I order for you?

Me: sure!

7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!

I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…

Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf

Me: Get the hell out of my sight!

[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.

7: Dad what does this word mean

Me: Bring me a dictionary

*Smack up side the head

Me: Now go google that shit

I put the I in Insufferable.

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”