I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.![]()
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Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
the clam before the storm
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
President The Rock Obama
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guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle