I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
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Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Hell yeah 👍
Sing it!
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.