I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
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Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
🤣🤣🤣
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.