Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….

[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”

officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football

detective: for crying out loud!

officer: most likely yes

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything you have in the house

– cook two to fourteen hours.

My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…

Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.

[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.

never compromise your values

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?

Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?

Me: Is your friend coming or what?

16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.

Me: Why don’t you call him?

Son: I don’t know what that is.

my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no

When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.

Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.

Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.

Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?

Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up

Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.