I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
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I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
This Christmas, get her the gift that’ll last a lifetime. Give her a tortoise.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Everyone’s family
I like to win arguments by backing over the other person with my car
9 circles of hell in this economy?
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane