Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!

I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling

Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears

I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found

Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”

7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”

I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐

a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected

I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.

If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.

Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it

After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.

My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?

Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?

Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.

Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!

Me:

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.

my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed

”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice

Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?

[driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.

date: I’m a really big people person

frankenstein: omg, same

The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry

According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire

COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP

OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles

COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP

OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude

COP: Just go. I give up.