I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
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If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge