Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.

Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again

The Fashion Industry: No.

There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.

When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.

The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.

We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.

Son: I want a quinceañera.

Me: You can’t have one

Son: Why not?

Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year

*ps: he is also 16*

Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.

#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺

The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.

I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.

Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.

-me, flirting

I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.

We have to move now.

It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.

Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left

my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high

Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs

As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.

I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.

He is just living hist best little life 😊

saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs

You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.