Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@mommajessiec

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.

@gabrielamadej

oh you’re a millennial? name one industry you’ve killed

@ihoplollipop

There’s no “us” in nachos.

@Shen_the_Bird

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya

@_Tempo11

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

@MichaelTrying

Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?

@AnkCoupleTO

I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective

@chrizmillr

Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China

@PleaseBeGneiss

inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it

@dumbbeezie

Me: What are the lyrics to every 80s sitcom I’ve ever seen
Brain: Coming right up

Me: Remember to pay that bill
Brain: Nope