I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
You Might Also Like
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….