I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you

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I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.


cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya


I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.


I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective


Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China


inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it


Me: What are the lyrics to every 80s sitcom I’ve ever seen
Brain: Coming right up

Me: Remember to pay that bill
Brain: Nope