Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me

The most avoided species of shark is the Loan

“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”

-Oh really? Why?

“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”

*scampers over to ice cream truck*

Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.

The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.

An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.

My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it

Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵

Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.

Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.

Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?

Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.

Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money

IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”

gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay

me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks

No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.

Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.

My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop

Me:

Apparently I negotiate with terrorists

911 what’s the emergency?

“How do u unburn pizza?”

U burnt a pizza

“Yes”

I’ll send a squad car

“Ok will they help?”

No ur under arrest

My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”

Cauliflower: *ring ring*

Textiflower: *ping*

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me

This is bullshit

I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.

“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise

i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times

in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen

Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*

Me: Sweetie, you need to share

Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35