I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
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Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
BRO LMFAO
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped