I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
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[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
“I asked Santa for a real duck.”
— My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Got my shingles shot. Just to be safe, I got one against vinyl siding too.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*