I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
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Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash