I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
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It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.