I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
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Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.
She sells c-cells by the seesaw
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.