I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
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If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.