I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
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Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Yup.
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I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Morning.
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My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
i’m still crying at this
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My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward