I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
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Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?