I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
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How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.