I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
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Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.