I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
You Might Also Like
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
how was your vacation
it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap