I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
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I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
WHY would you be happy about this?
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”