@Home_Halfway

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

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@Marlebean

*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday

@lifecoachfit

It takes a village to raise a child so I dropped the kids off at my neighbors house with a note: “your turn”

@Jake_Vig

“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

@alovablenerd

Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.

@GibJimson

If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.

That’s probably where I’m selling it at.

@ol_boo

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

@goldengateblond

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

@LosLos__

They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.

@vlowgoes

My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.

We go on tour in the fall.