I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
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Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it