I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

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*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday


It takes a village to raise a child so I dropped the kids off at my neighbors house with a note: “your turn”


“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.


Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.


If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.

That’s probably where I’m selling it at.


I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place


Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.


They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.


My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.

We go on tour in the fall.