Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal

[Heaven]

God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth

Stan Lee: Nuff said!

God: It’s just part of the job

Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]

*First day as a missing person*

Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.

[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t

Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”

i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —

[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-

Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!

Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume

Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.

I walked into a pub with my wife..

The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?

I said That sounds like a fair swap

roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.

From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!

Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!

Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!

holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.

Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.

In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby

Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.

Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.

Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”

It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.

Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.

Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?

If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old

Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?