I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
You Might Also Like
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.