I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
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If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Hey i am sexy to you now
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me