Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family

What element do criminals hate to see?

Copper

Is your wife single?

GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff

Me: why not?

GENIE: I make the rules

ME: I wish I made the rules

GENIE: …dammit

Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.

Girlfriend: Are you crying?

Me: It’s a wedding episode…

Gf: But you don’t even like this show

Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭

Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.

I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.

My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.

The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.

i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke

“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”

The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one

I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.

Bear

A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.

I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

[wedding vows]

Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.

[Zoom Meeting]

Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.

Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow

Me: Left hand, red

Me: Left foot, green

Police sketch artist: this can’t be true

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?