Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too

monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you

me: [pulls covers over head] your move

Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT

The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.

[Orange Juice on tinder]

TINDER: “You have a match!

Orange juice: “Oh great!”

TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”

Orange juice: “Oh no.”

[at the opera]

Date: this is going on forever

Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing

House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial

me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello

kidnapper: pls stop talking

Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.

Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive

I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire

Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible

Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.

Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.

People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.

If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!

I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.

(God creating coyotes)

God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.

me: *using chocolate coins as currency*

clerk: those are not legal tender

me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth

[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.

I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.