I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
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Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.