I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
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“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Family guy is so insane bc why were ppl dating that dog
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games