I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
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“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel