I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
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Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend