I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
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i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”