I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
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gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.