Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow

Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.

If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.

STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.

me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.

[Leaving for work]

*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*

Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread

The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.

You’ve trained your whole life for this.

Take the shot.

Kill the moon.

[late to work]

boss: well ??

me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal

Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around

Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.

God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”