I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
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Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that