Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.

I must’ve been sleep wokking again.

Them: How long can you hold your breath?

Me: 20 years, apparently.

Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders

My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia

I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber

Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.

When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.

If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.

grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?

me: no. one only.

[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]

How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?

(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?

*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”

I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”

He was a koi.

She was a squirrel.

Can I make it any less obvious?

They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.

You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.

#LunchPun

I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am

Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!

My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.

My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.

Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.

People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again

Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.

Him: That was one time.