I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
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Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Have you experienced humidity? You may be entitled to condensation.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”