Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone

The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]

PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.

“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”

Me: *leaves room

me: where did you put my gravy boat?

son: on the table, next to the lettuce

me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?

son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes

Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.

Who’s ready for music?

Not you.

You have tetanus

I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.

The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.

Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly

9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do

I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.

KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction

shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can

running feels great unless you compare it to not running

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.

cashier: how’d you like to pay for this

me: not at all

Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house

Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”

Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends

Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey

Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.

Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.

Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.

So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.

[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:

WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?

Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”

*me carrying in all of the groceries

Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying

“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”

How to tell if your kid is doing drugs

1. Are your drugs missing?