My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
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I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Canada’s method on making sure people stay home seems to be working.
Don’t tell me what to do.
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me: …. just eat the cake
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
*puts kid in tub*
*forgets about kid*
*finds kid-shaped prune floating in tub*
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
If I consider you a friend, I’ll be there for you. With an ear, a shoulder, a drill, a shovel, an alibi – whatever you need to feel better.