I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
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Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
*has no idea what a book even is*
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.