I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
You Might Also Like
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish