I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
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House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Finally a use for spoilers…
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.