Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: what are your strengths?

me: I know where you live

I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.

Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.

Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.

my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.

“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”

– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.

nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”

Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!

At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.

I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

[hell]

Me: Why am I here?

Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.

Me: OK that’s fair.

My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.

Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?

When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.

Bout to have the best sleep of my life

Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.

*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.

The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working