I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
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My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.