I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
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Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Bringing home a sharpie
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.