I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
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30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.