@DVSblast

I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”

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@calamitydaisy

I feel a burst of superiority when I trick a fly into flying out of my car window.

@Brianhopecomedy

It may have looked like I was doing crunches but I was just trying to get up.

@fro_vo

[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda

@ComedicBust

We kissed. We undressed. I felt her heart beat. I used her bathroom. I saw Colgate toothpaste. I left. We never spoke again.

@hermanntrude

my three kids wanted to do one of those taste challenges for a youtube video yesterday. The foods we chose were:

– smoked oysters
– weird crunchy cheese
– radishes
– canneloni
– kitkat ice cream

apparently the whole thing was a trick to get ice cream

@WilliamAder

Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?

@Mr_Kapowski

Woman: $150 for mice removal?!

Me: Yep *dumps box of snakes*

Woman: Get them out!

Me: $300 snake removal fee

*dumps box of mongooses*