I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
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I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
I love wikipedia
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Flowers bee like
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.