Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!

A double negative is a big no-no.

“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

Never forget.

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?

Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.

There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.

I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials

As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info

you never know what burdens people are dealing with

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure

You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled

I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children

Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.

My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”