I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
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I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that