I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
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My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
found this cool rock hiking today
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.