Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.

My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.

Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.

Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray

Dermatologist: you really need some sun

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs

Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex

I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever

What if all the cashiers are married?

the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope

Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.

It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.

Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…my trench coat?

HR: Try again.

Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?

I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.

coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus

me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂

Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

[loud fighting downstairs]

Me: What’s this about?

10-year-old: Nothing.

Me: You have to be fighting over something.

10: We really don’t.

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer: