I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
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So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
WHO DID THIS?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’