I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
You Might Also Like
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.