I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
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If you think my heart is cold, you should feel my feet.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
My dog learned how to text
Bed should get ready for ME
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
