I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
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8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.