I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
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Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
I only eat vegetarians.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever