I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
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5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.