I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
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Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Like sleeping!
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.