I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
You Might Also Like
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her
the way he checked his surroundings 😭
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
british sex workers really pound for pound
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Believing everything you read on the internet is the key