Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Black Mirror S05E01

January 20, 2021:

[fade in on TV set]

President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.

[cut to]

Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.

[Life after lockdown]

My Hairstylist: WTF

My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help

Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.

HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.

ATM: just any 4 numbers.

[first day as a waiter]

Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.

Me: ME TOO.

Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.

It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”

IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!

Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot

“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons

Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.

my feed is like:

ANIMAL CROSSING

eat the billionaires

we are all doomed

ANIMAL CROSSING

gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’

ANIMAL CROSSING

we are gonna die

ANIMAL CROSSING

*sharpening guillotines*

ANIMAL CROSSING

ANIMAL CROSSING

SOCIALISM NOW

ANIMAL CROSSING

My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.

me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

the saddest jazz hands ever

Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*

Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..

[last meal on death row]

“Pepper?”

*nods*

“Say when”

*winks to camera*

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…

Are you okay? How does that even happen?

Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.

I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.

Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.

I still like to cuddle though.

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July