Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison

You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.

Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.

Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?

Me: You have those here?!

Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?

No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.

ibopfufen

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.

Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer

Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

Me taking notes in a meeting 😅

Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.

Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”

Me: “17”

Them: “2017 or….?”

Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”

In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.

[restaurant]

waiter: how would you like your steak

me: i don’t know, medium?

medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot

If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.

I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.

imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait

When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies

time machine? you mean a clock?

“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”

[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

Bagged lunch circa 1984

-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”

[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*

Hey…

Husband: *sleeping*

Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.

Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]

Me: Oh. You’re staying?

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae