Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.

“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”

Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,

“I’m hungry”

when they ask you if you have anything to declare.

Five-word horror story:

“I’m going that way too”

I walked into a pub with my wife..

The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?

I said That sounds like a fair swap

My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.

Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.

PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?

*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”

It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.

WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?

Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.

I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.

Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.

Me: I want to travel

Bank account: Where? To work?

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses

Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?

Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water

“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”

The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

911: What’s your emergency?

“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”

911: Are you flirting?

“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”

[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that

Honey I made you some hotdog water

Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”

I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

Friend: *sets up chess board*

Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*

“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item