Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10: Mom what’s a metaphor?

Me: My life is a train wreck.

10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?

Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.

Have you tried being born with a trust fund about it?

He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave

Me: *wolf whistles*

I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery

Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.

My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now

My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.

Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.

*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.

Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?

Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

*loud crash*

15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!

13: The key word being “almost”.

He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”

Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest

I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.

*at dinner table*

Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’

Her:

Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.

Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.

People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?