I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
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I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
What.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well