Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.

Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?

I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today

ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–

GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older

Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.

Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing

[job interview]

Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?

[First target practice]

Son: I missed

Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.

I thought a man was in my house.

Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.

Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too. 

[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.

We’re finally out of lockdown!!!

Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.

At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.

A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?