Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does,
no one is shocked

Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert

banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000

me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok

This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕

me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner

Funeral Home Director: please leave.

me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*

my mom: WHAT THE HELL!

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

Given the memory span of a goldfish…

There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes

[tattoo parlor]

“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”

“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“

“Wisks!”

“Right. That’s why I-”

“I’m weally disappointed.”

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

I can’t stop thinking about this shirt

I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.

Compromise.

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.

If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.