I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
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When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.